OTHERS LOOK AND FEEL GREAT, AND. OUR NEW PROGRAM WILL DO JUST. THAT. >> ON A RECENT VACATION TO.
NORWAY, JAN AND I STUMBLED UPON. AN ANCIENT SCROLL WHICH WE. BELIEVE THE LOCALS USED TO GET. THEIR BEACH BODS READY FOR.
SUMMER. STAY TUNED AS JAN AND I SHED. SOME LIGHT ON THE DARK ARTS WITH. "GOTH FITNESS." FLAWLESS PHYSIQUE.
PURE POWER. "GOTH FITNESS" IS PROVEN TO BURN. FAT AND BUILD EXTREME DARK MAGIC. ABILITIES.
WHEN THE TIME COMES, WILL YOU. BE READY? FITNESS PROGRAMS CAN BE. DAUNTING... >> MM-HMM.
>> ...BUT LUCKILY FOR YOU, THOSE. ANCIENT NORWEGIANS BROKE. "GOTH FITNESS" INTO THREE EASY. STEPS.
>> ARE YOU READY FOR THIS? DIET, EXERCISE, SACRIFICE. THAT'S IT! >> [ LAUGHS ] JAN, YOU MAKE IT SOUND SO EASY! >> THAT'S BECAUSE IT IS. WE'VE TRIED ATKINS, PALEO, SOUTH BEACH, NORTH BEACH, JUICE CLEANSE, TEA CLEANSE, CHEESE CLEANSE. I'VE EVEN DONE A 30-DAY.
TRAVEL CLEANSE, WHERE I ONLY ATE. AIRPLANE PEANUTS AND PAPER. CLIPS, AND WHILE ALL OF THESE. THINGS WORK, NOTHING WORKS QUITE.
LIKE GOTH. >> LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT ONE OF. OUR POWER LUNCHES. NOW, I KNOW YOU LIKE LETTUCE.
WRAPS. >> GUILTY! I CAN'T GO A DAY WITHOUT THEM. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I. WOULD DO! [ BOTH LAUGH ] >> GREAT.
LUCKY FOR YOU, JAN, THERE'S ONE. ALREADY PREPARED. WE'VE GOT ORGANIC FETA, WOLF. PLACENTA, TANNIS ROOT.
>> THIS LOOKS DELICIOUS! [ CRUNCHING ] MMM! YOU CAN REALLY TASTE THE FETA! [ CHUCKLES ] >> YOU KNOW, GETTING OLDER, I. FELT THE REPERCUSSIONS OF MY. POOR EATING HABITS. I FELT I WOULDN'T LIVE LONG.
ENOUGH TO SEE MY GRANDKIDS. GROW UP. BUT "GOTH FITNESS" CHANGED. EVERYTHING! SURE, I'VE BEEN SHUNNED BY THE.
MAJORITY OF MY FRIENDS AND. FAMILY, BUT THOSE PEOPLE WERE. POSERS ANYWAY. I FOUND A NEW GROUP OF FRIENDS.
WITH OPEN MINDS. >> JESSUP, WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO. GET FLAT, WASHBOARD ABS, CHISELED ARMS AND SHOULDERS, TIGHTER THIGHS AND BUNS? >> JAN, YOU KNOW I'D DO. ANYTHING! >> WELL, YOU CAN PROVE IT WITH.
OUR CUSTOM WORKOUT VIDEO SERIES. ON DualDisc. IT'S SIX EXERCISES, SIX DAYS A. WEEK, SIX MINUTES EACH.
THAT'S IT! >> JAN, WHY DON'T YOU LEAD US. THROUGH ONE OF THESE WARM-UP. MANTRAS? >> I'D LOVE TO, JESSUP. OKAY.
HERE WE GO! >> OKAY. HEY, DO YOU SEE HOW. DRAVEN'S NOSE IS STARTING TO. BLEED? THAT'S HOW WE KNOW IT'S WORKING! >> ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE.
RIGHT PASSAGE? >> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [ THUNDER CRASHES ] >> [ Demonic voice ] THE HOUR IS. NIGH! THE WAR DRUMS ARE BEATING! YOU WILL BE FOOD FOR MASTER'S. ARMY! [ Normal voice ] OHH. >> [ ROARS ] >> [ SCREAMING ] [ BOTH LAUGH ] >> WHEN WE STARTED THIS PROGRAM, WE MENTIONED THAT THE KEY TO A.
NEW YOU WOULD TAKE DIET, EXERCISE, AND ONE MORE THING. >> Both: SACRIFICE! >> HA HA! THIS IS DRAVEN'S OLDER BROTHER, THAD. DRAVEN WAS KIND ENOUGH TO. VOLUNTEER THAD FOR THIS PART OF.
OUR PRESENTATION... >> THE RITUAL SACRIFICE. >> NOW, FIRST, YOU'LL NEED TO. BREW THE SACRIFICIAL SOUP.
>> REMEMBER, TOO MUCH HEMLOCK. HEX OR TOO LITTLE BLACK POODLE. DOG HAIR CAN REALLY MAKE A. DIFFERENCE, SO WATCH YOUR.
PORTIONS. >> [ WHIMPERING ] [ POP! ] YOU -- YOU AND YOUR LOSER FREAK. FRIENDS DID THIS TO ME, YOU. LITTLE SHRIMP.
NICE MAKEUP, BY THE WAY. WHAT IS THIS -- GIRL FITNESS? YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE A FAILED. HAUNTED HOUSE. THIS IS -- NO, NO.
WHAT IS THAT? NO! NO, NO! >> COME ON. >> [ GURGLING ] >> AND IT REALLY IS THAT. SIMPLE. >> OKAY.
IT APPEARS AS THOUGH OUR. SACRIFICE'S BODY IS READY. DRAVEN? >> [ BREATHING HEAVILY ] DRAVEN, I'M SO SORRY FOR. MAKING FUN OF YOU, MAN.
I THINK MAKEUP IS REALLY COOL. ON GUYS. YOU LOOK COOL! YOU'RE MY LITTLE BROTHER. MOM AND DAD SAID WE HAVE TO.
TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER, OKAY? >> [ CHUCKLES ] WHILE THEY FINISH UP IN THERE, I'VE GOT ONE LAST SURPRISE FOR. YOU. IF YOU ORDER RIGHT NOW -- >> [ Demonic voice ] YE-E-E-E-S! I HAVE RETURNED! >> HEY, JESSUP, COULD YOU COME. HERE FOR A QUICK SEC? >> JAN? JAN! WHAT'S GOING ON?! >> SO, I THINK WHAT HAPPENED.
WAS, UM -- >> THIS IS MY ARMY? YOU'RE NOT EVEN WEARING ANY. ARMOR! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT HIDEOUS. TUNIC? IT'S JUST -- IT'S A T-SHIRT FROM. HOT TOPIC.
>> WHICH ONE OF YOU READ THE. GODDAMN SCROLLS? >> THAT WAS US. JAN AND I READ THE SCROLLS. >> WE JUST -- AAH! IT WAS ME.
IT WAS ME. >> NO, NO. JAN -- >> WELL, YOU'RE NOT THE. NORWEGIAN BERSERKERS I'D HOPED.
FOR... BUT YOU DO LOOK PRETTY GREAT. >> OOH. >> THOSE ARE SOME BITCHIN' BEACH.
BODIES. >> OH. WELL... WHOO! WE DID IT, AND YOU CAN, TOO! ORDER "GOTH FITNESS" NOW, AND.
WE'LL SEE YOU AT THE BEACH! >> Announcer: [ Demonic voice ] ARE YOU READY TO LET BEELZEBUB. GET YOU BEELZEBUFF? ENOUGH EXCUSES! GET OFF THE COUCH, PICK UP THE. PHONE, AND GET "GOTH FITNESS" TODAY! >> WHOO! [ SEA GULLS CRYING ] >> ALL RIGHT! HEY! >> AAH. AAH..
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